WHERE'S MY GOD DAMNED GAMEBOY and OTHER STORIES By Jared Gore

PROLOGUE I really don't know where to start with all this...while Hurricane Katrina did bring disruption and destruction into my life it certainly wasn't on as severe a level as others I know. Yes, my childhood home was damaged but it was not beyond repair. The apartment I was living in evicted and put some damning accusations on my fiancée's credit report. Compared to others my loss was minimal, but for some reason I'm still having trouble writing about my family being scattered all over the deep south and my exile in Houston. I don't think I can start from the beginning, or even really the middle and if you're going to start a story anywhere those two places would probably be ideal, but I've got to take baby steps here. WHERE'S MY GOD DAMNED GAME BOY Sometime in late summer of 2004 I lost my Game Boy. Childish, I know, but I've got the maturity level of a 12 year old and in my mind the Game Boy Advance SP is one of the greatest handheld gaming systems ever made. It was small and light, it could fit in my pocket, it played older games that I enjoyed and paid good money for in my youth, and it's battery lasted forever. I was moving out of my parent's home and into a new apartment with my girlfriend, packing up all the earthly possessions I loved in the world, except apparently, my Game Boy. I scoured boxes upon boxes when we finally got settled into our new place, looking everywhere, screaming at the top of my lungs hoping that the god of lost gaming devices would hear my pain and resurrect my long lost love so that I could play Mario Tennis between classes once again. Alas, no prayer was heard and though I continued to search my parent's house it seemed I was never destined to play with my Game Boy ever again... Flash forward to October 2005, I returned home from my long and pain filled exile in Houston, Texas. I gave up my dead end job at Target for another dead end job at Circuit City, and was using a day off to help my Father prepare for the Insurance ManTM to come and tell us how much our wrecked house was worth. I was hauling fallen, moldy sheetrock from the garage to the street when there it was...my Game Boy, on top of boxes unscathed! I was amazed; it didn't have a scratch on it. I opened it up and flipped the power switch and sweet jesus christ in a birchbark canoe IT CAME ON. 'YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME' I thought. There I was standing in the midst of collapsed ceiling and sticky watery crap which I could only gather to be toxic slime and this mother fucking thing still worked! Not only did it work IT STILL HAD SOME BATTERY LIFE. I played with it while the wonderfully nice State Farm adjustor toured our home and talked to my Dad about where he could get some decent food cause nothing was open. I don't know why finding that thing meant so much, but I played it for like 2 hours until it crapped out on me. It made me so happy, to this day I still don't understand why. I probably would have cried but my Dad was there and he would have thought I was crying over something tragic or something important and he'd ask and I be like 'I found my Game Boy' and I would just feel fucking stupid, and as scattered and crappy as my life was at that time I guess I just didn't want to compound that with feeling stupid for crying for something so childish as a Game Boy. I guess it brought back memories of my life Pre Katrina...playing these games on my best friend's bed while he was on the computer and we would be up till like 3 o'clock in the morning just talking. I'd come home at three and I don't think my Dad would believe me that we were just playing NBA Street till retarded hours of the wee morning, but those were some of the best times in life. I'm not even sure why this is in my Katrina story to be honest, but for some reason I don't think I could leave it out. EXILE IN RICH PEOPLE PARADISE I evacuated with my then girlfriend, now fiancée and her family to The Woodlands, TX. She has family there and that's where we usually end up going for little mini vacations/hurricane evacuations that tend to happen. It's nice up there, we usually stay with her family or get a hotel room nearby, we shop, we eat, and spend more money we didn't really have in the first place because let's face it HURRICANES NEVER HIT NEW ORLEANS RIGHT? This was our routine for so long, so that when Katrina actually hit we didn't know what to do. We didn't have clothes, I was sleeping in a sleeper sofa with 5 other people in a cramped ass hotel room. Elizabeth's (my fiancée) cousin asked me after a week why I only wore one shirt every time I saw her and I had to explain to her that I had three shirts, and that the shirt in question was the third shirt in my series of evacuation shirts and since I saw her once every three or four days (to wash clothes) that would be why I am wearing the same thing all the time. I don't think she understood. I guess all this rambling is furthering the point that my Katrina story isn't a tragic story of survival. It won't grip you like a made for TV movie with people hanging onto trees and swimming underneath flames engulfing filthy death water. I was lucky, I didn't have to fight for to live, I just had to fight for my life. I watched Katrina tear apart families and relationships, even my own. I fought with Elizabeth about everything, and I'm pretty sure she broke up with me for like 25 minutes over a heated argument about returning home in between episodes of LOST on DVD. Reports trickled in by text and telephone of tensions in my family too. After something like 400 years of marriage my Grandmother was so fed up with my 87 year old Grandfather that she was talking about leaving him. (she didn't) This shows both what a pain in the ass he was and what a grace filled and patient woman she is. My experience wasn't all bad, I wrote more, which being the fat lazy bastard son of procrastination that I am, meant I actually wrote. The night the hurricane hit, like clockwork everyone in the hotel room woke up as it made landfall. We watched it slowly engulf the boot of Louisiana and I knew that no matter what, things wouldn't be the same. I pulled out my laptop and started writing, and that whole week I didn't stop...

LIFEBOAT

a cruise ship hijacked by pirates love story gone wrong in ten minutes by Jared Gore.

Contact info: Jared Gore University of New Orleans 4016 Paige Janette Dr Harvey, LA 70058 gore.jared@gmail.com (504)442-2852

Characters

Stan Clark - a wealthy business man.

Katherine Clark - his wife.

Setting: a lifeboat in the middle of the South China Sea.

Synopsis: Stan and Katherine are stuck together in a lifeboat after a group of pirates attacks their cruise ship in the South China Sea.

LIFEBOAT (An inflatable raft sits center stage. KATHERINE and STAN, a well to do couple in their thirties lay in the middle of the raft, they both wear distressed formal wear and look dehydrated and disheveled. There is a big suitcase filled with clothes. KATHERINE is a slightly batty housewife; STAN is a no-nonsense business man. KATHERINE sits looking fanatically for help in the distance.)

STAN There's nobody out there.

KATHERINE How do you know?

STAN It's been 7 and a half hours, we're in the middle of the ocean, there's nobody out there.

KATHERINE You don't know that.

STAN Yes I do.

KATHERINE (into the distance, each yell getting louder and louder) HELP! (pause) HELP!!! (pause) HELP!!!

STAN Please stop.

KATHERINE I can't.

STAN You're just going to wear yourself out, sit down.

KATHERINE How long do you think we're going to be out here?

STAN A while.

KATHERINE Maybe it'll only be a couple of hours.

STAN Forever.

(There is a long pause, KATHERINE sits.)

KATHERINE Oh my God, what if we die out here?

STAN We're not going to die. (STAN addresses the audience, lights change.) Hi, I'm Stanley Clark, this is my wife, Katherine-

KATHERINE But what if we do die?

STAN We'll be fine.

KATHERINE You don't know that!

STAN Would you let me talk to these people? (out, KATHERINE acknowledges the audience.) STAN As I was saying, we were on a cruise that was hitting hot spots in Southeast Asia, Bangkok, Thailand-

KATHERINE Who goes on a cruise to Southeast Asia?

STAN (out, but recognizing her) I heard good things, I thought we could try something new, different, something exciting. The cruise was going great. STAN (Cont'd) (beat.) We were off the coast of Vietnam when the Pirates hit.

KATHERINE Pirates?

STAN Yes dear, Pirates.

KATHERINE When were there Pirates?

STAN Guys with guns on the boat...they boarded the ship... they started shooting the crew, stealing our valuables?

KATHERINE I thought they were terrorists.

STAN No, they were pirates.

KATHERINE Or gang members, they had those red bandanas covering there faces, I thought they were the Bloods.

STAN I don't think they have Bloods in Southeast Asia.

KATHERINE Gangs are everywhere Stan. I saw it on A&E.

STAN Fine, dear. (pause) Anyway, once the Pirates boarded all hell broke loose, I grabbed a lifeboat and Katherine and I tried to escape, we did what we had to do to get out.

KATHERINE What do you mean we? You threw that boy and his mother off the boat.

STAN Ok, ok - I did what I had to do to get us out.

KATHERINE I wonder what happened to them-

STAN If they were still here, we could eat them.

KATHERINE WHAT?

STAN I'm thirsty, if they were here we could drink their blood. (Out.) The human body can ingest a pint of blood before it gets sick.

KATHERINE They're not here; you threw them out of the boat.

STAN I had to.

KATHERINE Into the South China Sea.

STAN Yeah, well I regret that now. You can only drink you're urine once before it becomes toxic. STAN (Cont'd) (pause.) It was them or us, I made a decision.

KATHERINE Why did we go on a cruise to Southeast Asia?

STAN You said you wanted something different...

KATHERINE Who takes a cruise to third world countries?

STAN The fine cuisine?

KATHERINE It doesn't make any sense to me.

STAN I heard Cambodia is lovely this time of year.

KATHERINE CAMBODIA is NEVER LOVELY!

STAN How do you know?

KATHERINE I watch CNN, I see things. I don't just walk around Saks and spend your money Stan! I read! I saw once on TV, some guy was in Vietnam talking about the poverty there, and how we should send money. He was walking through this field, and then he just blew up. They still have active land mines over there! How is that LOVELY?

STAN You said you felt stagnant, I thought it would be good for us to get away.

KATHERINE I wanted Paradise Island, or the French Cloisters - not Asian pirates of the South China Sea!

(Silence.)

STAN Honey, this isn't exactly what I planned. But arguing doesn't make it any easier...

KATHERINE (out) Our Marriage is failing, I haven't felt the touch of a man in years, I wanted to feel something, I wanted to do something before I die, so my husband took me on a cruise to countries where you can have sex with little boys-

STAN I do not sleep with little boys!

KATHERINE (starting over, clearing throat) SO MY HUSBAND TOOK ME ON A CRUISE WHERE YOU CAN SLEEP WITH LITTLE BOYS, FOR A PRICE.

STAN I told you, I don't sleep with boys. That's not fair! You don't tell them that! They'll get the wrong idea!

KATHERINE I'll tell them whatever I want!

STAN Fine, then I'll just tell them about the duffle bag of toys behind you're shoe closet-

KATHERINE You wouldn't dare!

STAN And how you'd rather spend the afternoon with a cold hunk of metal inside of you that be with you're husband-

KATHERINE Well, it's warmer than you.

(There is a long pause, KATHERINE turns away from STAN.)

STAN Fuck you. (Stan tosses the suitcase out of the boat and off the stage.)

KATHERINE What are you doing? My chiffon sweater was in that, what if I get cold!

STAN I just wanted a nice vacation.

KATHERINE The pirates took my Manolo Blahniks.

STAN The pirates took my wallet.

KATHERINE Maybe they'll see your license and swing by the house.

STAN I don't think so...

KATHERINE I should call and tell them to feed the cats. And turn off the air conditioner, our electric bill is going to be through the roof.

STAN I don't think we need to worry about the electric bill.

KATHERINE I guess you're right.

STAN Yeah, I guess so.

(pause) KATHERINE Are we still in love?

STAN Of course.

KATHERINE Then why don't we ever touch?

STAN We touch.

KATHERINE No we don't.

STAN How long has it been-

KATHERINE Don't people in love touch?

STAN It's only been two months.

KATHERINE Try to two years.

STAN Oh.

KATHERINE When we first met, we'd make love everyday.

STAN That was then. There are different factors that play into our lives now. (out) You'll have to excuse her, stress is something she's never had to understand. She's never had to work a day in her life.

KATHERINE I know stress STAN! I know what it's like to stay up wondering why your husband isn't home. Is it because he's with another woman? Hoping and praying he doesn't get caught with his dick in some 17 year old girl-

STAN I swear to God, she told me she was 18!

KATHERINE --Spending hours in the mirror, staring at myself, examining every nook and cranny of flab and fat. Wondering WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

STAN You're fine-

KATHERINE You did this to me. Before I met you I was a good person. I was happy.

STAN Stop it.

KATHERINE You did this to me!

STAN I said STOP IT!

(Pause.)

KATHERINE If we ever get out of here, I want a divorce.

STAN Yeah. That's probably best.

KATHERINE Why are we here, Stan?

STAN What do you mean?

KATHERINE Why did you bring me here?

STAN I don't know. It was cheap.

KATHERINE It figures.

STAN I love you, Katherine.

KATHERINE No you don't.

STAN (putting his arms around Katherine) I do.

KATHERINE (pushing him away) Fuck you. (out to the sea) HELP! HELP! HEL-

STAN Would you please, just stop?

KATHERINE Fuck you, I'm going to scream until my lungs cave in, until my fucking vocal cords give out. I can't stand to look at you anymore. So I'm going to scream until somebody comes, because if nobody comes then I'm going to have to swim and I don't swim real good.

STAN I'm sorry.

KATHERINE I'm sorry too.

STAN I love you.

KATHERINE Shut up, Stan. (BLACKOUT.)